Why I Fear Medications

Four years ago I went to see a GI specialist in Houston for the management of my endometriosis. Along with a complete change in diet, vitamin supplements and many prescription medications, he sent me on my way back to Hanford. I had always felt that it was hard to decipher what was making me feel so great, the diet, the medication, he vitamins, or a combination of them all? I ended up ditching all of the prescription drugs mainly because of the side effects, except for one little drug that is now my best friend and worst enemy.

When he prescribed Klonipin to me at his office, I remember looking at him and saying, "are you sure I need this?" I had worked in enough nursing homes to know that this was a controlled drug and not something I wanted to be taking. He explained to me that my stomach has a brain and it has seizures and this anti-anxiety/anti-convulsant would help me a lot. I went home on .25mg 4 x a day. I was a zombie. When I told him how tired I was, he said, "just sleep when you get tired". I said, "yeah right". Andrew was just about 2 and that was not possible. My doctor in Corcoran who had made my referral out to Houston in the first place, continued to prescribe the medication to me after I quit going to Houston. I know Dr. Kumar was not in complete understanding of why I needed the drug. Somehow and I don't remember when I ended up decreasing my amount to 0.125 mg. 3 X a day. Several times over the years, I would wean myself off the medication because I didn't like the idea of it and couldn't believe I needed it. Every time I got off, these horrible symptoms would come back and I would eventually say to myself, "I guess I need this stuff". On the lower dose which ended up being 0.125 mg. 3 x a day did not tire me and so I felt pretty functional.

In January of 2007 I decided once and for all that I did not like the idea of taking this medication (at that time I think I was only taking one at night). I weaned myself off over a month and was done with it. At the end of March I went to a retreat with our church women. I shared a room with 4 other women. I had a great weekend and was taking Claritin-D. I went to bed that night and never slept. I was in a strange environment surrounded by 4 sleeping women and I began to panic. I went home and had days of the same episode. I decided it was from the Claritin as, I already new I couldn't do Sudafed and this darn pill has something like 120 mg. in it. I stopped taking it and the anxiety in me at night would creep up beyond belief until I had too many nights of no sleep and decided I needed help. I went to see my doctor and he put me back on the klonopin. He said, "I guess you really do need this drug".

In December of 2007 I wanted to consolidate my care and thought it was a pain to go all the way to Corcoran just to get my Klonopin. I saw my OBGYN and asked her to help me out. She told me she would not touch that drug with a ten foot pole. She suggested I get off it and try taking something else like Paxil. I went back to my doctor in Corcoran and he said, he would help me in whichever way I needed. So just before my last birthday I attempted again to come off of it and started on Paxil and a sleep aid. It did not work I slept zero the night before my birthday and had essentially a horrible Christmas and Birthday. It is amazing how traumatic it can be on your body to be unable to sleep. I started having what is called "silent panic attacks" at night. My doctor was still in awe over how dependent my body was on this medication. He kept saying , "you are on such a low dose". He had even advised me to leave town and forget it at home. What horrible vacation that would be.

In desperation I started looking online and realized what a horrible mess I had got myself into. There was a program to help you get off the medication that takes about a year. You use a compacting pharmacy who takes 2% of the drug out every two weeks until you can get completely off of it. Because of all the trauma I had been through I found a highly recommended psychiatrist and waited a month to get into him.

My appt. with him was good. He described to me the reason I was unable to come off the medication. Apparently after 8 weeks of being on the medication my body had become physically dependent. I had started counseling in October and am aware that I have anxiety issues. The doctor told me that being on such a "low dose" if it was helping me, I could stay on it for the rest of my life. He said, that if I decide I don't want to take it, he can help me, but that again it would take me about a year. I asked him if I my body would ever require more. This is when he described that what your brain naturally produced and forgive me, I can't remember if it is Serotonin, or one of the others... has stopped working because of the medication and that if I found myself in a significantly stressful situation that I may need more, but then after it was over, I should successfully be able to go back to my original dose. So those occasional days when I am not sleeping because of anxiety, I need to take one extra one at night.

My assessment of this was that I was going through some significantly stressful things in my life and this was not the time to get off the medication, but that I would hopefully be able to do this someday. It made me feel very good to know that I was not crazy and what my body was doing was reacting because I no longer produce what a normal person would produce in a stressful situation.

This leads me to the present. When I got my diagnosis, I was doing really well with stress. I had some significant times waiting for MRI results etc. that caused me to be under stress. I went into the surgery really feeling fearless and trusting in God to care for my individual needs. As I approached the hospital I began to get a little anxious and one reason is that I need my Klonopin because I know what happens when I don't get my medication. When I came out of recovery I was very anxious and when I got the Diabetes Insipidus dx. I became more anxious. When the nurses started pumping me with steroids the first two days, I became anxious. I cannot take Caffeine. It makes me jittery and I can't sleep. I love Cold Stone's Coffee Ice Cream and have even found that it will keep my heart racing all night long. I am VERY sensitive to medication!

This has been a week of no sleep for me. I have had two nights of no sleep at all and my body going through "silent panic attacks" again. I can't imagine this being good for my healing body. In desperation I called my psychiatrists office (whom I have only seen that one time) yesterday morning and said "help". How can you help me? He said that the maximum dose for klonopin is 4mg. a day I can take much more. I suggested doubling my doses for a total of .75mg in a day and he said that would be fine. I believe that allowed me to sleep yesterday for a four hour nap and then about 9 hours last night. I wish to God I would have never started this medication, but now that I am on it and can't get off I have to be wise with what is going on with me. Maybe I should have consulted the psychiatrist before surgery? Not sure. Again, not sure if the steroid triggered the anxiety that my brain could not combat without the medication or what?

I am trying to handle this wisely by keeping both my endocrinologist and my psychiatirst informed of how my body is reacting to this situation. If only that doctor in Houston would have taken the time to explain just exactly what he was giving me, I don't think I would be here today. As with everything for me, it is a learning process and this is what I have learned so far.

One more interesting fact is that while I was in the emergency room last Sunday. I could hear all the stories of people through the curtain. One young women came in having a panic attack. The physician was very wise with her and when he described the types of medication available, he described the one that I am on as being harder to get of than Methanphetamines. I would have appreciated this explanation.

I am not dwelling on the fact that I am on it. I just need to find a balance in my body to recover and get back to normal. I do have hope that somewhere in the future I can attempt the year long process of trying to wean myself off this drug. Everyone's body does not respond to medication the same and this is why I fear medication. I have had some really bad experiences and am still working through one of them.